If you haven’t seen it, you simply must watch this priceless video produced by our good friends the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society:

In case the above video has been removed, there follows a transcript (Many thanks to Cedar’s Blog for providing this.)

• Mom: Caleb, what toy is that?
• Caleb: It’s Sparlock, the warrior wizard!
• Mom: Woah! A warrior wizard?!
• Caleb: Yeh, my friend gave it to me. All the kids are going to see the movie. Can I see it too?
• Mom: Oh, your friend gave this to you… hm. You look pretty excited about this. Why don’t you come over here and get your snack, okay? (sighs)
• (Caleb sits down to have his snack.)
• Mom: Is this toy magical?
• Caleb: Uh-huh.
• Mom: Caleb, who likes Magic? Jehovah? Or Satan?!
• Caleb: Satan.
• Mom: Right. Magic is bad. That’s why Jehovah hates it. Do you REALLY wanna play with something that Jehovah hates?
• (Caleb looks at his toy sorrowfully.)
• Mom: Do you remember who we learned about at family worship? Who is this? (shows Caleb a picture from page 50 of the Great Teacher book)
• Caleb: Adam and Eve.
• Mom: Right! Did they obey Jehovah?
• Caleb: No. They disobeyed Jehovah, and he got very sad.
• Mom: So what if YOU disobey Jehovah, and play with toys he doesn’t like?
• (Caleb scratches his head)
• Mom: Do you think Jehovah will be happy? Or sad?
• (Caleb imagines a snake hanging down from a tree next to him, clutching his toy suggestively)
• Caleb: Sad.
• Mom: Yeh. Do you want Jehovah to be sad?
• Caleb: No! (slaps the imaginary snake away with his hand) I don’t want Jehovah to be sad with me!
• Mom: No, I don’t want Jehovah to be sad with you either! So what do YOU think you should do with this toy?
• (Caleb looks at his toy again. The next scene shows him throwing it in the trash can outside while his Mom holds the lid open for him.)
• Mom: Caleb, I am so proud of you! You made mommy very happy! And you know who else is happy?
• Caleb: Jehovah!
• Mom: Yes! Jehovah loves you very much for obeying him Caleb. Hey, you know what I wanna do?
• Caleb: What?
• Mom: I wanna go ride bikes!
• Caleb: Yay!
• Mom: Let’s go!

 

Yes, what kid wouldn’t rather be seen riding around the neighborhood with his “mommy” than playing with his friends? It’s another “blessing from Jehovah”™ from those child psychology experts at the Watchtower. And to think they can crank out this stuff without ever having bothered with an education!

I could imagine the mother laying on the guilt-trip more explicitly in her deceptively gentle yet accusatory tone: “Caleb, have you been acting like a normal child again?”

The Rest of the Story…

Unfortunately the video ends before showing them riding their bikes past Caleb’s friend’s house. His friend (Bertrand) sees him and calls out: “Hey Caleb, wanna come over and play Sparlock with me and Jimmy?”

“Uh, no,” Caleb replies sadly, forced into yet another awkward situation by his mother’s beliefs: “my mom made me throw my Sparlock away.”

“You threw away the Sparlock I gave you?” Bertrand asks in dismay and hurt, the tears welling up in his eyes.

Now Bertrand’s mother bursts out of the house all upset: “Hey, we spent 25 bucks on that toy! We gave it to Caleb because we know he had a birthday last week that he wasn’t allowed to celebrate.”

Then Bertrand’s Dad comes out of the garage really ticked off and demanding the $25 back and forbidding Bertrand to play with Caleb any more.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Caleb’s mom replies. “We’ll pay you back, but understand that the toy was magic, and we can’t have that in our home.”

The Dad shouts at her in the total frustration often seen in worldly people when they’re dealing with Witnesses: “It’s called ‘make-believe,’ lady. You know, ‘make-believe‘: like your religion?”

The final scene shows Caleb alone in his bedroom crying into his pillow. His mother knocks on the door and says, “It’s okay, Caleb; remember Jehovah loves you, and he’ll soon be destroying Bertrand and his whole family if they persist in their wickedness. And Dad says that by doing extra chores you can work off the $25 in only three months!”

Who Likes Magic?

As heart-warming as this video is, there appears to be a little flaw in it. The mother asks Caleb: “Who hates magic? Who likes magic?” It’s a calumny to reply “Jehovah and Satan,” respectively. Let’s give Jehovah his due here, people! Jehovah LOVES magic! Who was it that won the International Magicians’ Competition in Pharaoh’s Court with Moses as his front man? And let’s not forget who was working the magic for Elijah when he put the Baal magicians to shame with his fire show. Not to mention empowering Jacob’s magic wand to produce spotted cattle at will!

Come on now: “hating magic”? Talk about “making Jehovah sad!” It’s unappreciative comments such as these that must give him the blues. Don’t you remember him making the shadow on the sundial go backwards? And let’s not forget about the bronze serpent in the desert to heal bites from the real ones, or the golden hemorrhoids to drive away the piles (well, the golden part was the Philistines’ contribution after that prankster Jehovah inflicted the real thing on them in one of the great practical jokes of all time). If those aren’t wonderful examples of  sympathetic magic, I don’t know what is.

They talk about Adam and Eve: well, who was doing the better magic there? Oh sure, Satan made a serpent speak — big deal: Jehovah created magic trees worthy of any video game: eat from one to gain eternal life, the other to gain knowledge.

Also, Jehovah went Satan one better with the talking animal trick when he became ventriloquist for Balaam’s ass (a trick that members of the Governing Body perform to this day by talking out of their own ass).

Finally, think of all the magic tricks Jesus performed with Jehovah’s power! Water into wine; finding a coin in a fish’s mouth; multiplying loaves and fishes… When I was young I was an amateur magician myself, and I can tell you that these tricks of Jesus cost at least $29.99 in the magic store: apiece! (Well, except for the “coin in the fish’s mouth”; that always was a cheap trick.) So I know Jehovah has a considerable investment in magic.

A Million Dollar Idea!

But forget about all these petty criticisms; this is a million dollar idea! I’m surprised no one has thought of this before. I’ll want 10 percent of the profits for whoever runs with this. Today you have companies marketing their leather book-bags to Witnesses, so why not a company that markets WT-approved action figures to Witnesses? Of course Sparlock is out, thanks to this video. But with a few modifications we can salvage the idea as the first product of Theocratic Action Toys, Inc.! Change the name from Sparlock to Samson, change the magic-wand to the jaw of an ass  to kill people with, stick some long, removable hair on his head, and it has gone from demonic to Jehovah-approved magic, just like that!

Next we can market the action figure Jacob: just change the magic-wand to a speckled stick, and include some plastic cattle. (Laban, Leah and Rachel sold separately.)

Then, of course the old man himself: Moses! Now the wand is simply exchanged for a rod. Horns, broken “stone” tablets, and golden calf sold separately, as are the Egyptian “bath-time” figures (guaranteed not to float!) Imagine the fun you and your child can have playing with these! Just line up the Egyptians on one edge of the tub with Moses on the other. Then have Moses raise his rod while your youngster knocks all of the Egyptians into the water and watches them drown! These figures can double as the “first born” as well! I can envision you and your child playing “Avenging Angel of Jehovah” and guessing whether an Egyptian is first-born or not. “First-born?” your child asks, pointing to one of the Egyptians. “Yes,” you smilingly reply and watch as he excitedly flicks the figure into the tub. It will truly be a “Kodak moment” when he drowns his first one.

The Deluxe Moses Accessories package will be for the older children, featuring a large assortment of anatomically correct virgin girls so that your “little soldier” can play “Jehovah of armies” and reenact Numbers 31 to his heart’s content!

My friends, these theocratic action toys will be so much more wholesome than any worldly “magical warrior wizard” could ever be!

Most importantly (as we’ll print on every action figure package): “Jehovah happy now!”^sm